Guiding Families Through the Transition to Senior Living
We all want the best for the people we love. When we see them struggling or not living the life we hoped for them, it is natural to want to step in. Watching and waiting can feel painful.
With children, we usually have clear authority and influence. With aging parents, the dynamic is different. As Cheryl Martin, Executive Director at Prairie City Landing, says, “You can’t parent your parent.” But you can still support your parents in thoughtful, respectful ways.
Emotional Blind Spots
Sometimes it is hard to see what might be best for a parent. “When you are emotionally close to someone, sometimes your heart shouts too loudly for your head to hear,” says Jan McLennon, Resident Services Director at Prairie City Landing.
Jan and her mother both work in senior living, yet when Jan’s grandmother’s health changed, they struggled to see it. “We kept telling each other that Granny was fine. We didn’t want to accept any other answer,” Jan remembers. Eventually, they noticed themselves explaining away clear changes and decided to try a simple exercise.
Step One: Create Some Distance
Jan and her mom started writing down what they were observing. “It forced us to use our heads,” Jan explains. Seeing their notes on paper gave them enough distance to recognize the pattern: Granny was showing signs of cognitive decline.
Once they could clearly see what was happening, they were able to make a plan to support her. The same approach can help any family move from worry to action.
Step Two: Make a Clear List
If you are concerned about a loved one, don’t push the thoughts away. Create a list. Write down what you see—both positives and concerns. For example:
- “Dad made breakfast for himself.”
- “Dad forgot to turn off the stove after making breakfast.”
Putting observations in black and white helps you be more objective. It shifts you from reacting with only your heart to also engaging your head. Once you see the full picture, you can begin to plan what kind of support might help.
Step Three: Start Gentle Conversations
Turning observations into a conversation can feel daunting. Many older adults worry about being a burden, and many adult children worry about upsetting their parents. Avoiding the conversation, though, means needed changes may not happen—or may happen without everyone’s input.
Instead of one “big talk,” start small and curious. Ask open questions that show your intent is to understand and support, such as:
- “What part of your day is your favorite right now? Why?”
- “What part of your day seems hardest right now?”
These questions invite your parent to share what brings them meaning and where they are struggling. Together, you can then look for specific ways to make that hard part of the day easier.
Try to avoid questions that make assumptions, like “Where do you need help?” Those questions can trigger defensiveness and shut down the conversation.
Many Heads and Hearts in Community
One gift of senior living is that there are many caring heads and hearts paying attention. In a private home, everyone is deeply emotionally involved, which can make it harder to notice gradual changes. In a community, team members and neighbors interact with residents in different settings and can spot shifts more readily.
“We’re here to partner with residents and their families,” Jan emphasizes. “Our goal is to help residents live life on their terms, and help their children return to being the daughter or son.” Supportive services can ease tension in relationships that have become strained by worry and caregiving.
Balancing head and heart is an ongoing process. Your love for your parent is a powerful force; combining that love with clear-eyed observation can guide you toward the right level of support. And you do not have to navigate that balance alone—our team is here to walk alongside you as you explore what a more balanced, supported life could look like.
Curious about what support services are available? Download our Just the Facts: Assisted Living Guide to learn more.